Grandpa: When i was your age my momma would send me down to the store with $1 and I would come back with 5 bags of potatoes 2 loaves of bread, 3 bottles of milk a box of tea and 6 eggs but you cant do that these days to many stupid security cameras.

My girlfriend invited me to her house, I found her sister alone in the house, she was unbelievably sexy, she whispered in my ear, "i have feelings for you, shall we have s*x" , I immediately turned around and walked to the front door to go to my car, I found my girlfriend standing there, she hugged me and said: "you've won my trust"... Moral of the story: always keep your condoms in the car

the man who smiles when all things have gone wrong has someone to blame it one!

if you die in an elevator be sure to press the up button!

to those that are reading this i need to tell you that when i die i want to go peacefully in my sleep just like my grandfather did. not screaming like the passengers in his car!

everybody is entitled to my opinion! :)

last night i was laying in bed looking up at the stars and then i thought to myself, wheres the ceiling?